Moments of the Heart

March 4th . . .

This morning I cried quite a few tears.



It took awhile for them to stop . . . but somehow I feel that God heard me. He knows and felt my anguish.

It all started at 5:00 this morning. I couldn't sleep. I got up to start my To Do list early! Yesterday I decided in honor of March 4th (and since David had to work making it easier to accomplish) I was going to tackle some of the major To Do items I had been postponing. One was to email all the Laurels and Mia Maids I could to ask for pictures for the CD I want to make of the last 2 years for all the girls. I wasn't prepared for all the memories to come flooding back. Oh, Bonna. I do miss her. I went to her Facebook page. Then I cried and cried. It wasn't just for her. It was for Joan Grover and Ruth Winward and Connie Keller and Marlyn Whiteley and so many others. It was for my Letha girls . . . that I really have no contact with other than a Hi in the halls.


And then my heart turned to my sweet son, Pat . . . the person I cry for the very most. I ache for him. He has carried so much for so long . . . There is no way to explain the depth of what he has had to carry. How has his heart handled it all? The things he's been through would make anyone weep and yet, he is not bitter. When I discovered that he was taught that he shouldn't cry - it just makes the tears flow even harder. I guess I am crying the tears he can't. I hope he knows that he is not alone anymore. He has us, his family to lean on - that it's okay to cry and feel the pain and the loss and the hurt and all that comes with it. He is so strong - the tears do not take away from that strength. He is like Captain Moroni or Teancum - He has an unconquerable spirit! He has offered his family the greatest gifts possible. I know they are aware of him and want him to find happiness. They are cheering him on. This is the war that he stayed to fight - that Satan couldn't have his family anymore. Because of him, they will have peace and the gospel in their lives. Because of him, they will have the opportunity to find forgiveness and to feel of the Savior's atonement, even his father. I know this with all my heart. My tears are gone now and I feel such a joy fill my heart.


My tears are not in vain. God saw them. He felt them. He is honoring my desire to go forth this day with strength and love so I can lift those hearts that need it the most.


I have made time for the important things. I've read my scriptures, I've prayed, I've exercised, I've spent time sharing my heart. Now it's time to call Pat - to spend some time with him. It is something his Mother wants . . . She doesn't want him to miss her too much. She wants him to live life to the fullest, knowing that she loves him and that she is near. This next week is the anniversary of his family's deaths!!!! The Savior made it possible that he will be with them all someday!

My heart is full!